In case I die or run away, a list for the care and keeping of my four year old

This kid.


Man, is he entertaining.

As I type this, he is simultaneously writing his letters on the worksheets I printed today (I so did not sign up for this homeschooling stuff btw), dancing, singing Katy Perry's Hot and Cold laced with lyrics from Born This Way by Gaga, and tearing apart a sticky eyeball.

We've spent way too much time together lately, me and this boy.

He's with me 24/7.  Save a few date nights and one or two nights out with the girls, he's been in my back pocket.  Firmly attached.

Since October.

His blood sugar issues are no less a mystery now than they were back then, and we've been stuck here in diabetes limbo for over five months. Together.  All.the.time.

He has to touch me.  He follows me to the bathroom and decides that's a great time to play 20 questions.  He's taken up sleepwalking at night, and inevitably lands in my bed.  When he falls asleep, he talks.  He is a tucker, wedging hands and feet under me at all times.

No one else can ever understand a word this kid says.  In need of speech therapy, he is.  I know what he is saying, I know what he needs, I know what he wants.  I know because I'm with him all the time.

Well, what if I'm not?

It could happen.

This isn't me being morbid or weird, just a handy list of my son's requirements for whoever might have to take care of the boy at some point if and when I'm not around.  I'll warn you in advance....he's quirky.

1) He drinks most of his daily intake of water between 2-4am.  I'm pretty sure he'll be in pull-ups at night until he goes to college.  Get used to buying them.

2) He despises jeans and prefers to wear what he refers to as "running pants".

3) He has a deep love and affection for oatmeal, but it has to be the kind you cook with milk. No shortcuts. You have to add a teaspoon of brown sugar after it's cooled off a little, but not too much. There are rules about these things. He prefers the dinosaur bowl.

4) He loves watching Jurassic Park and Godzilla, but is terrified of the Hulk.  I know it doesn't make sense.  Just accept this.

5) He sings the alphabet wrong.  On purpose.  It always ends with "W...Z".  Always.

6) He's a scab picker.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

7) He doesn't like showers, but will take a bath.  He refuses to consent to hair washing, so just use the baby shampoo like a ninja and say it's water.  Trust me.

8) He will ask you to feed him.  He never let us feed him when he was a baby, but thinks it's hilarious now.  You can say no, but that means also accepting that sometimes he won't eat.  Instead he will stand on his kitchen chair and shake his booty. The rest of the kids will stage a mutiny.

9) He prefers to be naked.  Some days just getting underwear on him is an accomplishment.

10) He's a daredevil that somehow never hurts himself.  He's like a cat.  He always lands on his feet and came with 9 lives.  Sometimes it's better not to watch when he's climbing rocks and banisters.

11) He will scream in the car.  Only when he's in the back row of the van and only when you're on a highway with nowhere to stop.  It's like he plans it.  Bring some earplugs.

12) He is convinced he's a big kid, but will happily curl up in your lap and take a nap.

13) He farts louder than anyone else in the house and will try to ride the dog.

14) He's a little OCD when it comes to handwashing.  If the water has been running more than a minute, you should go investigate.

15) He will cause all kinds of trouble when you're on the phone.  He has a sixth sense if it's an especially important phone call and will wait until then to do things like flush an entire box of tampons down the toilet or color himself purple.  He will do it whilst smiling and laughing maniacally.

16) He hates to stand in the corner, so it's the best way to punish him.  Until he sits down and falls asleep.  Then, not so much.

17) He has an enlarged lymph gland on his neck that will warn you when he's getting sick.  If you can see it get bigger, watch out.  It'll be a doozy.

18) If he's being a monster, check his blood sugar.  He's probably low.  He'll want to use the finger poker all by himself unless he's feeling really crappy. Let him. He does okay with it. Keep smarties in your purse.

19) He runs fast.  Really fast.  Practice.

20) He's my baby.  Please take care of him.  No matter how much he drives you crazy, he loves you.